wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
