went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
