We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
