mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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