My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
