she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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