I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
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I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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