Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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