how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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