I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
