I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
