I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
