I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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