I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
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Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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