i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
