Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
