My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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