I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
