He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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