I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.