drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
