I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dicks are not precious.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
