I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
