So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
