Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
