pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
