i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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