I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
