why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
