how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We're too hungover to prance.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
