you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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