my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
