I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
