i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
