why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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