3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
