i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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