The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
