failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
