"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
