Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
