Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
