So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
