is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
