eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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