2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
