All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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