hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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