I accidentally had phone sex last night
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
