im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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