you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
