I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
