In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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