I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
