You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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