you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
