Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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