And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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