I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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