I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
