yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
